Whoopie! It’s Christmas Time!
Hi, once again, fellow dogs. With the first snowfall blanketing the ground, the temperatures dropping into single digits and the daylight hours inexorably sinking toward the winter solstice, I expect the boss will be hauling out the Christmas decorations before long. While this ordinarily means there will be a fair amount of disruptions in our otherwise generally orderly lives, it’s not all bad.
Yes, it’s true, we’ll have to put up with being attired in odd costumes and accouterments. While that’s pretty embarrassing, it doesn’t last forever, and there is considerable comfort in the knowledge that dogs everywhere in North America are suffering the same humiliation. Once Christmas is past, your owners likely will get over this silly notion.
They will also bring a tree into the house and decorate it with all sorts of strange and colorful things. It looks really lovely, but a couple of cautions are in order. Don’t drink the water in the container that holds the tree, as humans tend to put stuff in the water that gives us dogs a bad bellyache. And this one’s for the guys among us: Don’t use the tree as an indoor toilet, tempting though it may be, as it upsets the boss to no end if you do.
Another cross you’ll have to bear is that there will be numerous strangers invading your territory during the holidays. While some will bring along their dogs for some fun playtime with you, others may decide to bring along their cats. While it will be difficult and require every ounce of self-restraint that you possess, in the interests of diplomacy, you’ll have to stifle your true desires and, at minimum, treat the cat guests with indifference.
Under no circumstances should you actually do what you’d really like to do with the cat guests, as to do so creates a significant risk of banishment to a frigid outdoor kennel. Even more annoying than the presence of the cats is that their owners often dislike dogs. So, if they scream and try to put obstacles between themselves and you when all you want is be friends with them, don’t take it personally. Chalk it up to them just being misguided. Keep in mind that the holiday season is supposed to be one of peace on earth, so do your best to keep it that way, despite the presence of strange cats and the people who have brought them into your home.
While we are on the subject of strange folks in the house, it is prudent to be on our best behavior around them for the reason noted above. Be pleasant with them, even if they are sitting in your chair or occupying your spot on the sofa. If they are sitting in your place on the sofa, you can try crawling up alongside them and trying to gently push them off your preferred snoozing site. But if that doesn’t work, you’ll have to be a good host dog and let them sit there. Also, if you want to make a few points with the boss, don’t drool on the guests’ trousers or skirts and don’t used their clothing as a napkin.
One other warning: If someone dressed in a red suit sporting a white beard, smoking a pipe and carrying a pack on his back should suddenly appear in the room with the tree, he’s not a burglar or a terrorist. His presence is a benevolent one, so refrain from barking, growling or biting this individual.
Despite all these caveats and even though the boss is likely to be busy and distracted, Christmas is a great time to be a dog. For one thing, if you have a caring boss like mine, it means treats that are only made at Christmas time. The boss makes a treat with peppermint and another with applesauce, cranberries and pumpkin seeds at Christmas time that are wonderful. They are also my cue that Christmas is coming because the scent of these yummies baking in the oven only happens during the holidays.
For another, if your boss has an ounce of good sense and appreciates all the good things you’ve done for them during the year— found and fetch their birds, herded their livestock, chased down the critters they were pursuing, pulled their carts, played their silly dog sports, provided love and understanding when they were feeling blue — you’ll get several new toys. Plus there will be some duck, bison or venison jerky or, even better, all three among several really tasty commercial treats under the tree for you. Just don’t try to unwrap them before Christmas because, for some reason, that seems to irritate most humans.
One of the other bonuses of the Christmas holidays is that humans cook a lot of really mouth-watering food that produces wonderful odors while it cooks. Again, if you are patient and your boss is not a total Scrooge, you will likely get some of the turkey and gravy or the prime rib with some of the au jus in your dish. If they forget that dogs also like these holiday traditions, a few nose nudges accompanied by staring at the kibble in your dish and looking away from it several times usually gets the message through to all but the most obtuse owners.
Be wary, though, if your boss has Scandinavian ancestors, because, in addition to wonderful meatballs and sausage for dinner on Christmas Eve, they also have a vile concoction they call lutefisk, and they might try to slip some of it into your dish. This gastronomic nightmare consists of dried whitefish, usually cod, but sometimes ling or burbot, cured in lye. The fish has a gelatinous texture after being re-hydrated for days, with the last couple of days being soaked in a mix of water and lye. It actually quivers when the boss picks up the dish to move it, and you should know that if a silver spoon is dipped in it, the spoon comes out tarnished black. If it can do that to a spoon, think of what it must do to your stomach.
When it’s being cooked, it stinks up the entire house, unless the boss cooks it in the microwave, and then it only fouls the atmosphere in the kitchen. The taste? Well, some of the humans seem to like this wretched creation, but then there’s no telling what humans are going to like or dislike where food is concerned. Remember how they reacted the last time you ate some delicious roadkill? Well, I rest my case.
As tempting as it is, in the interests of domestic tranquility it’s wise to resist batting the brightly colored balls off the tree with either paws or tail or removing them from the tree in any fashion. For some reason known only to humans, they get their knickers in a knot when they see Christmas decorations on the floor. If one of these geegaws accidentally gets ejected from the tree, under no circumstances should you chase it across the floor. That just isn’t done, at least not in polite company. If your family celebrates Hanukkah, the same caution applies to the menorah, although one would hope that your boss is astute enough to place that symbol of the season out of the range of teeth, paws or tails.
It’s also smart to avoid tipping the garbage cans to get at the contents, no matter how delicious they smell. Not only does it annoy the boss, but the contents may not agree with your GI tract and may even result in a trip to the veterinarian, which is something to definitely be avoided during a festive season like the Christmas holidays. There will also be some strange plants coming into the house during this period. Take my advice: Don’t eat them! Not only will they give you the collywobbles, but they could even be fatal.
For the same reason, you’ll want to resist lapping up the contents of the glassware on the coffee tables, even though for many of us, these glasses are at the exact best height for doing just that. These glasses contain beer, wine or spirits, none of which are good for dogs. It’s sensible to avoid the candy dish at this time, too, because odds are it’s full of chocolate goodies. While they taste wonderful, they create havoc with canine tummies. One thing, though, if your boss offers you a bite or two of their spritz cookie, don’t turn it down. While they’re probably not good for us, they are delicious. Even more so if the boss has put a little butter on the cookie in addition to all that’s baked into the cookie itself.
These, then, are my recommendations and cautions for getting through the holiday season with not just your sanity but your body intact. If you play your cards right, it can be a most wonderful time of the year with extra really tasty treats, new toys and much happiness in your home with your family. So kick back, relax from the tension of all the work you’ve done for the boss this year and enjoy a quiet snooze on the couch in the soft glow of the lights from the tree. Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year, fellow dogs.