Sat, 04/02/2022 - 12:31am

Judging Crusts

Who would rise to the occasion at this savory competition?

I arrived for my judging assignment in Gastonia the early morning of March 15. My young guide Focaccia, courtesy of the club, met me at the taxi stand. His main occupation is DoorDash delivery man, but like many in this small island nation he has several jobs, including taxi driver, tour guide, shoe salesman and dentist.

Sitting on the scooter’s handlebars on the way to my hotel allowed for a great view of the many amazing sites here, including, of course, the statue of Pita Pumpernickel in the town’s main square.

Focaccia helped translate at the Half-Loaf Hotel. I do speak a few Gastonian catch phrases (which the U.S. Embassy recommended travelers learn), including “I want a lawyer,” “Did not know that was illegal here,” “Not my drugs” and so on.

The hotel room was small but did offer a window overlooking Gluten Free Bay. Since my judging assignment consisted of 14 hours both days, I would no doubt be spending most of my time, if not all, in the room sleeping and drinking – mostly drinking.

It was a short walk to the Brioche Arena from my hotel. As I entered, the Gastonian national anthem was about to begin. Everyone stood, and we all sang. It was quite a moment as “Baby Im-a Want You” by the ’70s band “Bread” echoed throughout the huge complex, first sung in English and then Gastonian. 

Crepe Suzette, Crusts’ club president, introduced me to the crowd, and the smattering of applause made me feel welcome, while Crepe explained to me that the extremely loud hisses and boos were the custom of welcoming foreigners to their land. I wanted to believe her.

My first assignment of the morning was the Juniors class known as “Breadsticks.” Each entry had its own small table where the young Gastonians exhibited their freshly baked goods. I sampled from each of the 30 tables, and was glad I skipped breakfast. Sesame, Onion, Garlic and Parmesan made it to the final four; ultimately Garlic, owned by Naan Kaiser, took Best.

It was time to begin judging four of the seven main groups at Crust: Rye, Wheat, Whole-Wheat and White. Tomorrow would be the Miscellaneous group of Bagels, Muffins and Scones, then the three remaining groups of Italian, French and Multi-Grain, and then the biggie: Best of Bread!

After my fourth trip to the bathroom, I chose the Marbled Rye, Honey Wheat, Multi-Grain Whole-Wheat and the Bleached White. Most entries for the first day were of high caliber, but the seven grain did taste like six. 

As we exited the arena, Crepe Suzette said a dinner was planned at the famous Matzo Ball Ballroom, but for some reason I wasn’t that hungry and declined.

The following morning I awoke bloated but excited. Focaccia met me in the lobby, and as we walked to the arena, past the gingerbread houses, it began to rain, but it wasn’t water. Confetti, perhaps? Pointing to the Bay, Foccacia said it was a tradition in honor of Crusts, and I watched in awe as at least 20 fire boats sprayed bread crumbs across the town. As the swarming pigeons attacking us had finally thinned out, we entered the arena.

Bloodied but in good spirits, I began judging the remaining groups. After many hours of noshing and nibbling I opted for the Italian Ciabatta, French Pain de Campagne and the Pumpkin Seeded Multi-Grain. (I spent a lot of time savoring the seeds, as it was a small respite from bread.) The English Muffin took Miscellaneous.

I had a break of a few hours before the main event, so, escorted by Crepe and Focaccia, I was given a grand tour of Gastonia. 

Heading Yeast (yes, that it what Gastonians call our East), I saw many interesting places, including the Grateful Bread Factory, Museum of Modern Tart, the Bran Canyon and majestic Lake Knead. We stopped for drinks at the Crooked Croissant and made our way back to the show.

To a packed house, and with anticipation at its maximum, I pointed to the Marbled Rye owned by Piccadilly Crumpet and awarded it Best of Bread!

Though I did gain 22 pounds, it was a trip I’ll never baguette ... and HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!

 

 

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